Over the years, she devised her own ways to fight the disorder. They worked for her, though doctors might not agree with it. Sometimes she has conversations with the ghosts. She spends time with them, as with friends. “While sitting with them I do not answer phone calls. Before interviews, I tell them I need to take a break,” she said.
Valliappan was quite popular among her friends. She would make everyone laugh, and friends could have most meaningful conversations with her. Her friends were puzzled by her disorder and had a hard time coming to terms with it. Initially, they did not know what to do. It took them some time to accept it and understand its manifestations and effects on her. Then, they tried to help her.
“She would share with us what she felt,” said Sayali Bagaitkar, an old friend of Valliappan’s. “In that process, she was able to know the difference between reality and hallucinations. I personally believe that helped her a lot more than constantly being told that the delusions and hallucinations were not real.”
Sometimes she would hear voices when she was with her friends and they would all want to talk to the alter egos. “One of my friends wanted me to ask them if she was good looking,” said Valliappan. “One said she was not. But, another one said she looked really hot.”
There was a man in her hallucinations who was the dream guy of every woman. “He was much like one of our philosophy professors in college!” said Bagaitkar. “And, the way she would describe him, I wanted him to be real. We would indulge in conversations about him being real and I would date him. I had named him and would tell Resh, if he were real I would marry him!” Bagaitkar, 29, is working with PR firm Genesis Burson-Marsteller in Mumbai.
Despite the support from friends and family, Valliappan got worried as her condition got worse. She became suicidal. “It was not because the voices told me to commit suicide,” she said. “I used to feel hopeless and helpless, and the only thing I could think of was to kill myself.” She slashed herself; the scars still remain.
She was 22 when she sought medical help and was diagnosed with schizophrenia. It took the psychiatrist many months to make the diagnosis as he had to rule out her mental health problems. “I had obsessive compulsive disorder, bipolar behaviour, multiple personality behaviour and a history of drug addiction,” she said. “So, it took some time for the psychiatrist to make sense of what was going on.”
The diagnosis was based on her clinical presentation. The outcome of the diagnosis and treatment turned out to be quite devastating for Valliappan. “Because of the stigma and discrimination behind it, the help I did not get, people’s inability to understand what I was talking about and the side effects of medication leading to myself not being able to go out, I felt like a zombie,” she said. “Unfortunately, everything a schizophrenic does ends up being seen as a symptom just because he or she has a label. A simple human emotion such as anger is taken to be a manifestation of a symptom. Who does not experience anger and react to it?”
It has been a tough time for the family. “But, we are tough people,” said Vedhakumar. Initially, she engaged well with medical treatment, a lot of credit for which goes to her parents who were active partners in the whole therapeutic process. The medications were primarily to treat the dopamine receptors.
Though Valliappan has not fully recovered, she has been completely off medication since 2008, and is able to manage her symptoms really well with various tools and strategies. “She occasionally has fluctuations in her symptoms for which she seeks help, preferably non-pharmacological,” said Panchanadikar.
During Valliappan’s long chat with THE WEEK, she was full of energy, despite having skipped her breakfast; she was on a liquid diet to detoxify her body. Her long-sleeved white hoodie had an image of the Buddha on it and her right hand had a tattoo of an Egyptian Mau cat. One could easily mistake the 34-year-old for a bubbly college kid.
Valliappan is currently unemployed. She found out that medication could control the disorder, but not the stigma. She first worked as a bartender. “I was doing a good job and my bosses were happy with me,” she said, showing her bottle opener. They came to know about her schizophrenia after she appeared in public forums. “Then, one of my bosses told me, ‘I do not have a problem with you, but the law has. I may be in trouble if I keep you’,” she said. “In the eyes of the law, we are the living dead.” The law, she said, restricts a person with mental illness from being a bartender.
From then on, she has been job-hopping. She has filled quite a few roles, from that of a kindergarten teacher to a salesgirl in a craft shop. She chose jobs that did not require a reference. She would quit in three months, before anybody could find out she was schizophrenic. She never applied for corporate jobs, because they run background checks.
“People who met me were impressed with what I could do,” she said. “They would ask me, ‘What the hell are you doing with those odd jobs?’ I told them, ‘I have schizophrenia. Now, will you employ me?’ Then they would have nothing to say. Gradually, my confidence just vanished.”
Currently, she survives on a pittance which comes from mutual funds managed by Vedhakumar. Every quarter, a small amount gets credited to her account.
The label of being schizophrenic has been used against Valliappan in relationships, too. “Somebody wanted to get out of the relationship,” she said. “All I was told was that it was because I was crazy, though that was not the reason.” She does not deny that it is difficult for people with schizophrenia to be in a relationship. Right now, she is single. After the rape, her sexual orientation, too, changed drastically. “I have different choices now,” she said. “It is all about the rapport.”
Valliappan makes the most of life and channelises her creativity―which could perhaps be a byproduct of schizophrenia―in all possible ways she can. “I paint,” she said. “That was one thing which kept me alive while I had severe bouts of schizophrenia. I am also a mime and martial artist. I train people who want to get fit.”
Writing is another activity she enjoys. Her autobiographical account of the discrimination faced by schizophrenics won The Schizophrenia Research Foundation-Press Institute of India award. The article was published in a leading English daily. Right now she is writing her autobiography. Through The Red Door, an online community which has over 800 members, she connects with schizophrenics and people with other mental health problems. It aims to raise awareness about mental illnesses and mental health.
After undergoing a surgery for brain tumour, Valliappan developed scar epilepsy. It has made things a bit more complicated for her as the epilepsy medication triggers suicidal and homicidal tendencies.
But, nothing stops her from chasing her dreams. Bagaitkar, who has seen her through all of it, said: “From understanding and knowing what schizophrenia is to coping with the symptoms and side effects of the medicines, the good days, the bad days and the very bad days. Hats off to her determination, strength and courage. I do not think a stronger person exists!”